Stan Wars

Types of Stans

The Hardcore Stan

Hardcore stans have a religious obsession with their favorite. They believe that their favorite artists are the greatest to ever do it; there was no life before them, and will be no life after them. Flop singles were buzz singles. Flop videos were “just for fans”. Flop tour dates were scheduling conflicts. You believe those album push backs are because they are still recording (not because the general public just doesn’t give a damn). Hardcore stans are the reasons why celebrities have large, burly bodyguards with semi-automatic weapons. Hardcore stans are important in generating enthusiasm, but can also annoying because their over-zealousness can work against their favorite, especially when they interact with other stans.

The Hardcore Hater

Hardcore haters go through all of the trouble of registering on a message board, they have more posts than most hardcore stans; they always have something negative to say, they are contrary just for the sake of contrary, they never like anything, and their sole purpose seems to be to piss off stans. Hardcore haters continually look for videos, news articles, or anything with a comment section so they can vent their frustration. This shows that you are either unhappy with yourself or just bored if you have nothing else to do, but ruin the stan experience for other people.

Undercover Agent

Undercover Agents aren’t on message boards to socialize with other stans. They are there to defend and promote their TRUE favorite, post chart updates and sales information, and throw shade. Undercover Agents may seem dumb, but they are smart enough not to be so blatant that they get banned, because heaven forbid they find something better to do with their time than spending all day talking about somebody they dislike. Undercover Agents are highly annoying, almost as much as hardcore haters. In actuality you don’t get an ASCAP check for #1 singles, and LiveNation doesn’t give you a percentage of tour profits, so registering to 90 different message boards to copy and paste the same information shows that you are insecure about your favorite artist’s current status. Your favorite artist should be great to you regardless of if stans of other artists agree or disagree with you.

Bandwagon Stans

Your like or dislike of an artist depends on how high they are on the charts because you can’t like or dislike something without getting other people’s reactions first. This shows that you are insecure about your tastes and don’t have a mind of your own. Furthermore, it shows that you are afraid to express an opinion unless you know it will be co-signed by other people or unless it’s something popular with the general public. You are probably a member of several different message boards, but you act entirely different on each one.

The Seasonal Stan

Seasonal Stans only stan for a particular artist when it’s fashionable. When an artist is popular, when an artist is considered hip/trendy, when an artist dies, or around the anniversary an artist’s death.

The Representative Stan

The Representative Stan registers to multiple message boards to promote their favorite flop and defend and attempt to drag if anyone disrespects their favorite. What Representative Stans fail to realize is that spamming the message boards and pages of relevant artists has no effect on the Billboard charts. Registering to 12 different message boards to throw shade at artists who are actually successful shows that you are insecure about your favorite artist’s status in the industry.

Underground Railroad Stan

This is the exact opposite of a Fairweather Stan. Underground Railroad stans typically avoid anything that is popular and mainstream. On message boards they will name drop every abstract, alternative, Unsung, pretentious, old school, neo-soul, BET-centric-ass, unknown artist but in at home they play B’Day and Good Girl Gone Bad like they’re the last albums on earth. Underground Railroad stans will talk all day about “real music”. How no one sings “real music”, how they miss “real music”. In actuality there are too many types of people, genres, emotions, opinions, and experiences for there to be one standard definition of “real”. What’s “real” to me may not be real to you, and if current music disappoints you there’s still plenty of older undiscovered music to be found. It’s okay to be aware and support obscure or underground artists but your like or dislike of art and artists should not be based on how popular or unpopular they are. When you approach entertainment in such a narrow-minded, it’s just as bad as only listening to mainstream artists.

Anyone who signs a contract to be backed by a multi- million company will be compromised in some way. I don’t care how natural their hair is  or how many incense they burn on stage if it were solely about art for art’s sake they would be at somebody’s coffee bar playing for tips. Not everything mainstream is bad, and not everything underground is good.

Leapfrog Stan

Let’s say it’s 2002 and your favorite artists (in order) are:
* 1. Janet Jackson
* 2. Britney Spears
* 3. Ashanti
* 4. Beyoncé

Now it’s 2010, as far as the general public is concerned, that list has been reordered. Leapfrog fans are upset because their #1 is no longer as hot as their #4. So to make them feel better they go around making shady comments as if it actually makes a damn difference. * Leapfrog Stans begin most sentences with “I’m a fan, but ____________”. By saying this they feel that they can repeatedly shade certain artists and not be labeled a hater. If you constantly have to remind people that you’re fan you may be in the wrong place. * Leapfrog fans never have any “criticism” for their #1, but can talk all day long about how #4 can improve. It’s obvious that they are not on the message board to socialize with other fans, but are merely there to throw shade and vent frustrations over the fact that your #4 has taken the place of your #1. As with Bandwagon Stans, Leapfrog Stans are probably members of several different message boards but they act entirely different on each one.

Dead Bird Stan

You ever wondered why a dog brings dead animals in the house? You ever wonder certain stans always bring negative articles or comments back to message boards? * The “Dead Bird” stan posts hateful or negative comments or articles about their “favorite” artist hoping other stans will jump on it. In reality, a Dead Bird stan has nothing to do but troll the internet looking for hate. In some cases they may not be true fans at all, just Undercover Agents.

The Know-It-All Stan

The “Know It All” speaks as if he/she knows their favorite artists personally. * The “Know It All” speaks as if they have some secret source, some inside information, or some freshly brewed tea. * The “Know It All” never starts a sentence with “I think…”, “I heard…” or “In my opinion…”. The “Know It All” always speaks as if what they are saying is absolute proven fact. * The “Know It All” usually types in long paragraphs knowing good and well stans won’t read anything over 2 sentences. * The “Know It All” prides themselves on being able to be the first to break news, or being able to say they know something that most people don’t know… In reality, Know-It-All stans don’t know shit, or knows no more than the average fan. They have taken trivial facts they know, mixed it with stories they heard, added some assumptions and delusions and tried to pass it all off as proven fact.