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The Stan Version of The Truth

Rihanna is a global icon and a living legend.

She has sold about 500 million records worldwide (Singles are records. 80 million is almost 100, 100 is almost halfway to 300, which is more than halfway to 500. # webadyoumad)

Artist Bio

The story of Rihanna the Global Queen begins on the small island of Barbados. When she was a little girl, her classmates called her “globe”. No, that was not a forehead joke; they just knew that one day she would be a global pop queen who would effortlessly slay your faves.

When she was 16 she auditioned for Def Jam Records and her voice sounded like a mixture of Anita Baker, Lauryn Hill, Jesus, and Coko from SWV. She was quickly signed and she then went on to become the Global Queen that she is today and one of the biggest selling artists of all time. # webadyoumad # navi # phuckyofavs


Rihanna is a better singer than Whitney Houston and a better dancer than Michael Jackson and I’m about to tell you why.

Performing is not always about being perfect, on-key, on-pitch, on beat or even sober. Rihanna may not be the best technical singer, but Grace Jones, Gwen Stefani, Macy Gray and Prince are not technical singers either. Sometimes it's not about technical proficiency, it's about emotion and personality and Rihanna's voice has a lot of character and emotion. Rihanna’s voice is very unique and distinct.

Contrary to popular opinion, Rihanna is extremely talented she just chooses to express it in a different way. What she has decided to do is show a little bit of her talent at a time. See, if she were to show all of her talent at one time like Lady Gaga and Beyonce, people would get bored with her; so she rations her talent out in bits and pieces to keep people interested. She gives one barely sufficient live performance every 8 months to keep people interested and ensure her longevity. She definitely has the capacity to be the best entertainer in the world; she just chooses to be mediocre because she’s humble, unlike some artists.

What some pressed stan bases fail to understand is that Rihanna is only 24 years old, she’s only had 8 years in the industry, 7 albums, dozens of singles and hundreds of TV performances and tour dates; she’s basically a new and inexperienced artist --- she has time to get better.

  1. youmadwebad # brap # itake6thgrademathbutiminthe12grade


Rihanna is a global superstar. She's a fashion icon, hair icon, shoe icon, earring icon, pantyhose icon, bra icon, she's so iconic and impactful and global and iconicful and other words I heard the Monsters and The Beyhive use and if it's good enough for Gaga and Beyonce then damn it, it's good enough for Rihanna.

#  brap, # majah, # youmad # pleasehelpme # ihatelivingthisway


The Hater Version of the Truth

Rihanna is a Barbadian swamp creature of questionable talent and immigration status. She is best known for the game of live-action Mortal Kombat she and Fistopher played the night before the Grammys in 2009.

Artist Bio

The story of Rihanna the Cock Gobbler begins in the Def Jam Marketing department. Jay-Z was seeking new ways to pay his property taxes and support Beyonce’s $3 million a month wig habit. He was looking for an artist who did not speak or understand English that well and would be too stupid to ask for songwriting and production credits, thus allowing Def Jam to take a bigger cut of the profits.

One day he found Rihanna’s picture and profile on a website for teenage mail order brides of Barbados. He liked what he saw and had her shipped to America in a crate of mangoes. She arrived to America via FedEx 2-Day express.

2 weeks later she had 10 #1 singles.

Jay-Z’s goal was to take advantage of the growing digital music market and promote Rihanna as a singles artist who catered to dirty homosexual males and straight females who became sluts at an early age to compensate for their average looks. Rihanna quickly became a big hit with this demographic, despite the fact that they usually had no more than $1.99 of disposable income to spend per month. Jay-Z’s goal was to force Django Rihanna into the studio every year, making her work like a captured slave in order to get as much money from her fans as possible before their attention spans (and immune systems) started to decline.

Rihanna‘s Impact

The only thing in her career that's had any impact is the back of Chris Brown's hand.

Rihanna’s Achievements


Rihanna's Talent

She dances like she has polio.

Her live singing sounds like hot, decaying, Caribbean death.

Resources For New Rihanna Stans

Advantages of Stanning For Rihanna

The main advantage of stanning for Rihanna is instant gratification. The bulk of her success lies in social media and digital sales (which provides real-time updates on an artist’s current popularity). She tweets daily, she Instagrams pictures of her bowel movements and gynecological exams, she doesn't take breaks, and she releases albums more than she changes her panties.

It takes less than an hour to plan an entire Rihanna era, so you never have to wait too long for new music.

Disadvantages of Stanning For Rihanna

The main disadvantage of stanning for Rihanna is a lack of respect from stans of other artists. Other stan bases are very upset with how effortless and easy Rihanna has achieved her success and as a Rihanna stan you are going to have to deal with a lot of pressed haters.

They will say that Rihanna has the stage presence of a glob of snot.

Ignore them. They’re pressed.

They will say that despite all of the records she sold, there’s still something second-rate and undercooked about her entire career and if she were a contestant on America’s Next Top Model or RuPaul’s Drag Race she would be the girl who should have been eliminated during the 1st episode, yet somehow manages to become 2nd runner up.

Ignore them. They’re pressed.

You will brag that Rihanna has achieved so much with so little effort. Other stan bases will say that you are all a bunch of vapid, idiotic, aimless, delusional, illiterate, embarrassing sycophants with no sense of logic and no frame of reference past the iTunes Top 100 who will stan for anything with titties and an Instagram account and as a music fan, you are all so mindless and impressionable, if Def Jam picked up a used condom off the street, drew a face on it and gave it a few hit singles you would probably stan for it.

Ignore them. They’re pressed.

These same stan groups will also say that Rihanna is a talentless, semen-soaked label puppet who is forced by gunpoint into the studio every year because she lacks the impact and star power to leave an impression on the general public as big as the one Chris Brown left in her forehead and she will never be seen as anything more than a label mascot and an industry dick trap.

Don’t listen to them. They’re just pressed.

She’s bad and they are very, very mad.

How To Throw Shade Like A Rihanna Stan

As a Rihanna stan, your shade doesn’t have to be coherent, cohesive, creative or even remotely funny.

It does not need to be attached to reality, logic or any musical history. Just put a sassy GIF on it, sprinkle it with hashtags and assume that all stans are pressed over Rihanna doing things that their fave probably accomplished 10 years ago and always have another Rihanna come behind you to make you think you actually had a good read.


Navy Member #1: Well you tell Flopney Flopears, Flopdy Flopga, Flopcki Flopnaj, and Flopyonce to go back to the Flopland with all of their flops singles. # Legend #.coconuts, #bananas #jerkchicken #webadyoubad


Navy Member #2: Wow, fellow member of the Navy; you are very hilarious, creative and quick-witted and I wish to follow you on Twitter. What’s your screen name?

Navy Member #1: @barebackbarbadosboi777

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