Britney Spears

From Stan Wars

Revision as of 14:14, 27 March 2013 by Stanwars3000 (Talk | contribs)
(diff) ← Older revision | Latest revision (diff) | Newer revision → (diff)
Jump to: navigation, search
Britney Spears


The Stan Version of The Truth

Artist Bio

Britney Spears is a pop legend who is of equal talent, impact and influence as Michael Jackson and Madonna and her first two albums outsold your fave’s entire discography.

Britney was raised in Kentwood, Louisiana. She was a very happy and energetic child because she knew that one day her first two albums would outsell your fave’s entire discography.

When she was 11 years old, she joined the cast of the Mickey Mouse club with Justin Timberlake, Christina Aguilera and Ryan Gossling, who would all go on to become superstars while Britney went on to have two albums that outsold your fave’s entire discography.

When Britney was 17 years old, she released her debut album, the first of two albums that has outsold your fave’s entire discography.

For the next decade, she would establish herself as a bonafide pop icon with two albums that outsold your fave’s entire discography.

Today she continues to record and perform, but now divides her time between hosting the American version of X-Factor and raising her two beautiful children --- one child for each album that has outsold your fave’s entire discography.

Talent & Musical Style

Britney is an amazing entertainer whose vocal talent is rivaled only by Aretha Franklin and whose dancing is rivaled only by Michael Jackson. As far as musicianship, she played piano in concert that one time on that one song so that makes her just as good (if not, better) than Stevie Wonder.


As far as pop stars are concerned the only artists on Britney’s level are Michael Jackson and Madonna. Britney’s career has been one iconic and impactful moment after another. The schoolgirl outfit --- everybody wore one, the red latex catsuit --- everybody was wearing one. She’s such an iconic impactful icon with a lot of impact and iconicness.

Britney Spears

The Hater Version of the Truth

Artist Bio

Britney Spears was a popular American entertainer. It is presumed that in 2006 she either died or ran away from her money-hungry money record label and fled to Africa where she now lives quietly with the bush people of Botswana.

Her team had planned to announce her death and get those Michael Whitney Winehouse Jackson sympathy sales, but they realized that over the course of the previous years, something strange had happened. Although the millions of teenage girls who had stanned for Britney had moved on, their power-bottom younger brothers had found their thrown away CD's and became Britney stans themselves. Once Britney’s team realized there were hundreds of millions of dollars to be made from these cock-hungry pillow biters, they knew they couldn't announce Britney's death.

But how could they have Britney concerts, albums and videos without Britney actually there?

They called the people who made the 2Pac hologram and the people who designed the puppets on Sesame Street and, to make a long story short, for the past 7 years, the Britney we’ve seen on TV and in concert has been a series of holograms, life-sized puppets and body doubles.

That's why Britney is working on X-Factor where she gets to sit for most of the show (so you can't see Demi Lovato and Simon Cowell working the controls that make her mouth and eyeballs move.)


Her complete and utter lack of talent has opened the doors for other untalented bimbos to be able to release albums and have armies of mindless tone-deaf teens and queens stan for them. I guess that’s impact.

Talent & Musical Style

Britney stains like to use her knee injury as an excuse for her current lack of talent. Let’s have a brief history lesson:

  • In 1990, Gloria Estefan was in a horrific bus accident, which fractured her spine and required extensive surgery and physical rehabilitation. Less than a year later, she was back on tour.
  • In 2007, Chris Brown twisted his ankle playing basketball or stomping Rihanna or something, yet he was able to do this:


  • In 2001, Usher fell in rehearsal, dislocated his shoulder and had to have surgery. Four months later he was doing this:


  • In 2011, Beyonce was five months pregnant with our Savior and that whore was able to sing live, dance in heels and do this:


  • Madonna is 392 years old (I don’t even think she has knee caps anymore) and she still singing and dancing better than girls in their 20’s:


Now, I’m not Dr. House and I don’t have Britney’s medical records and I know that not all injuries are the same, but the knee injury story sounds like yet another chapter in the Britney Spears Stan Big Book of Excuses to try justify why she currently dances likes Stephen Hawking and hasn’t sang live since the Clinton Administration.

And since refills on soft drinks are free, let me pour you some more tea:

She wasn’t that great of an entertainer to begin with.


Resources For New Britney Stans

Advantages of Stanning For Britney

Did I mention that her first two albums outsold your fave’s entire discography?

Disadvantages of Stanning For Britney

Britney doesn't sing or dance that much anymore (or show many other human attributes), so be prepared for a bunch stans trying to throw shade at Britney's current state.

She is a pop icon and she should get credit for time served, but in the fickle “What have you done for me lately?” stan culture some of Britney’s so called “fans” are quick to jump ship in favor of artists who are slightly more popular, but don’t have half of Britney’s achievements and impact.


How To Throw Shade Like A Britney Stan

I guess you could say something like “My fave’s first two albums outsold your fave’s…

You know what…never mind.


Britney Spears stans suffer from condition called Britlexia. Britlexia is a learning disability that impairs a stan's ability to understand simple logic and read basic English. Even though their reading comprehension is poor they are still able to read record sales, ticket sales, and can understand the word "sold out". This makes reading reviews and critiques difficult, but has no effect on reading 10-year old sales stats.

Example of Britlexia:

Read this paragraph:

Britney appeared last night in Atlanta as apart of a 100-date tour. She appeared three hours late and once she took the stage she drooled on herself, picked her nose, and flicked boogers at people in the front row. She also fell asleep 3 times and urinated on the stage. The sold out crowd, some of whom paid $500 a ticket, began to walk out within 20 minutes. It estimated that the tour will gross over $100 million.

This is how the paragraph appears to a person with Britlexia:

❚❚❚❚❚❚❚100-date tour ✤✶✷✸✹✺✻$500 a ticket❤❤❤$100 million.

Personal tools