Beyonce

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Beyoncé
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Contents

The Hater Version of the Truth

Beyoncé’s Life & Career

Beyoncé an overexposed, overrated, bleached she-demon who thinks she’s better than everybody, but she’s not.

Impact

Let’s talk about the impact that occurred when her skull hit the stage when she fell down the stairs in concert.

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Beyoncé’s Achievements

- She was threatened by Rihanna, so she put bath salts in Chris Brown's Sunny Delight on February 9, 2009

- She was threatened by Brandy so she cut her brakes. (Beyonce is so damn petty).

- She shot Ricky in Boyz 'N The Hood.

- She was driving the car that killed James in Good Times

- All those damn fans she uses on stage to blow that raggedy-ass weave around caused Hurricane Sandy.

- She's basically responsible for all that's wrong and evil with the world and her music causes cancer and juvenile diabetes.

Beyoncé’s Talent

If shaking your ass, screaming and hopping around stage like a monkey in heat is talent, then I guess she’s talented; and if stealing everything that isn’t bolted to ground is talent then I guess she’s talented. This bitch takes everything! She takes songwriting credits, performance ideas, video ideas, photo ideas --- she has taken everything but a damn break. She needs to go sit her ass down and raise Pink Floyd, Purple Rain, Elecktric Red, or whatever she named that Cabbage Patch doll that she carried under her shirt for nine months.

She makes me sick! She thinks she’s better than everybody, but she’s not better than me!

Beyoncé’s Musical Style

Pop Fan Version

“First of all, I don't really like nigger music. Now before you act all offended, I would never (publicly) call any Black person a nigger, I’m just saying that Beyoncé usually makes nigger music. R&B/urban/Black people music has never made much sense to me; it's just a bunch of hollering, jungle noises and drums as far as I'm concerned (Attention all R&B artists: You're not in Africa anymore. Please call Dr. Luke! NOW!). I guess Beyoncé thinks she’s too good to use the same overused beats, sounds and producers as her peers, but I don’t see the point in releasing music for any purpose other than going Top 5 on the Hot 100 or appeasing Caucasian bottoms and 12 year olds. Let me just be clear, I don’t completely hate Black music or Black artists. I’ll listen to Black music if it’s performed by White Artists (Adele, Eminem, Amy Winehouse) and I’ll listen to Black artists as long as they are performing European-inspired music, but I don't really care for most of Beyoncé's discography. See, when I'm looking for songs to twerk my taint to, I want less "Treat me with respect and put a ring on it" and more "Fuck me raw and text me when you feel like it". “

R&B Fan Version

“Beyoncé is not a REAL R&B singer. She’s a pop singer. I only listen to REAL music by REAL artists, and by REAL I mean female artists who are less commercially successful and/or physically attractive than Beyoncé, because the only way to be a REAL artist is to be unsuccessful, fat, depressed, beaten or just look generally unfortunate and downtrodden in your face. I don’t listen to generic pop singers like Beyonce and I don’t listen to artists who have sold more than 1 million records in the last 5 years; I only listen to REAL music, by REAL artists who have bad credit and reality shows. “








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The Stan Version of The Truth

For Tina Knowles so loved the world, that she gave up her hourglass figure to give birth to Beyoncé and that whoever believes in Beysus shall not perish, but given their everlasting life every time she performs on stage.



Artist Bio

Beyoncé Knowles is an American R&B and pop recording artist, dancer, producer, songwriter, actress, fashion model, philanthropist, hair braider, weed seller, Mary Kay consultant, real estate agent and ordained minster.

Beyoncé was born September 4, 1981 in Houston, Texas. She was a shy and introverted child. The other kids hated on her because she was better looking and more talented (this would be a major theme of her adult life) As a child she was more talented, prettier, and just an all around better human being than all of her peers. People were jealous of her because her farts smelled like freshly cut white roses and hot Krispy Kreme donuts and her doo-doo smelled like fabric softener and hot chocolate chip cookies.

At the age of 9, she and several underprivileged youth formed a singing group. Beyoncé became the lead singer because was more talented, prettier and just an all-around better human being than her group mates.

After almost 10 years of being in a group, she decided to go solo and has been snatching your faves' wigs and taking their coins and you can all remain ugly and unhappy about it.

Achievements

Beyoncé is known for being classy, hard working, ambitious, talented and just all around better than everybody else. When she is written about in the press she is referred to as “Queen Bey”, “Goddess Bey”, “Queen Honey Bee Knowles”, “Creole Perfection in a Magical Lacefront” etc. She is undoubtedly the greatest entertainer and human being ever in the history of life and the entire world knows how special and talented she is.

Talent & Musical Style

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While your fave struggles to get through the first verse of a performance, Beyoncé simply walks on stage and gets a standing ovation (because you’re supposed to stand up when good pussy walks on stage.)

She is the greatest entertainer ever in the history of life and you can all remain pressed and miserable about it.

Impact

Beyoncé is a true global icon. She’s one of the few artists in history with enough talent, star power and global impact to headline the biggest musical American music event (the Super Bowl halftime show) and headline the biggest music festival in the UK (Glastonbury). She’s performed in stadiums in Asia and South America, and in Australia every September 4th is Beyoncé Day (children dress up like Beyoncé and go door to door collecting money and wigs).

She’s pretty much the greatest thing ever in the history of life and anyone who disagrees probably has low self-esteem because they have strong, untreatable body odor.

Resources For New Beyoncé Stans

Advantages of Stanning For Beyoncé

Because God himself is a Beyoncé stan, Beyoncé typically comes out on top of her competition. She is the most respected, acclaimed and by far the most talented artist of her generation, so stanning for her is usually easy.

Disadvantages of Stanning For Beyoncé

Being a Beyonce stan requires thick skin because Beyonce receives a lot of hate from stans of artists who are less successful and talented than her (which is 98% of all stans)

Other stans know that Beyoncé is better than their faves and deep down it causes them to get in their feelings and lash out at her. As a Beyonce stan, you could continue to argue with them or you could learn to be confident in Beyoncé's abilities and achievements and not let your self-esteem as a fan be affected by stans of artists who are either industry cumrags or stans of artists who can't use the Internet without adult supervision.

How To Throw Shade Like A Beyoncé Stan

On a scale from 1 to 10, as a Beyoncé stan you have to be at level 100 at all times.

EXAMPLE:

Hater: I didn't like Beyoncé's last album.

Beyoncé Stan: I hope your family is murdered in their sleep.


This may seem cruel, but no one who dislikes Beyoncé deserves to live a happy life.


SEE ALSO:

Blue Ivy Carter

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