Beyonce's New Promo Plan

Dear Beyonce,

I have been following your career for the past 11 years and I must say that you should be very proud of your accomplishments.  

What I have grown to admire most about you is your natural talent. You are not an invention of publicists and stylists; I feel that you have truly earned your spot in the industry with character, class, work ethic and talent --- and I want you stop it right now!

I’m not sure if you realize this or not, but times are changing. There are kids on Twitter who weren't even born when Destiny's Child released their first album; and no one really cares about how talented anybody is anymore. All of this being classy and singing on-key and dancing on-beat shit that you’ve been doing for the past 15 years is getting old, and you are going to have to find a new way to impress the new generation of stans.

You may be wondering why talent is so undervalued in today's culture. Well, there are several reasons:

1. The prevalence of social media and reality TV has made a slew of very, very untalented people very, very famous.

2. The music industry is a hot, shitty, anarchic mess and artists are being forced to make themselves visible and relevant by any means necessary.

3. Your husband.

Times are changing, and I don't want you to be left behind. Because I’ve spent an unhealthy amount of my adult life living through your accomplishments rather than achieving anything worthwhile of my own, I would like to see you succeed over the other girls by any means necessary, so I’m going to help you re-brand yourself and become more media savvy.

You’ve already received the approval of Michael Jackson, Tina Turner, Prince and countless other legends, now all you need is the approval of fans who won't legally buy your music, but will give you a tenuous sense of validation by following you on social media sites. My goal for your new era is to take nearly 20 years of your hard work, sacrifice and diligence and flush it all down the toilet for the sake of appeasing fans who may or may not like you 3 months from now.

You ready B? Let’s go get ‘em.

Tip #1 - Popularity > Respect

You have worked very hard on drawing a clear line between your public and personal life and by doing so you’ve made a statement that your success or failure will be based on being talented and respected rather than making a spectacle of yourself.


Nobody cares about respect. Literally. I asked 100 random people and this is what they said:

Tip #2 – Revamp Your Social Media Presence

Stans are like infants; they constantly need attention and stimulation, and if you take more than a month off to rest or pop out a baby you’re considered irrelevant. You’ve realized this and you’ve joined Instagram and Tumblr to keep your stans from straying; but your posts are too clean and safe. Even your “ratchet” pictures are too polished and refined. There’s something unavoidably classy about everything you do --- you could post a picture of you punching a puppy in the face and it would still be classy because it’s you doing it. Where are your naked pictures? The pictures of you smoking, drinking and generally not giving a fuck? (Yes, not giving a fuck takes a lot effort.)

For 2013, I need your Instagram account to start looking like this:

Or this:

Or this:

Tip #3 – TWEET! DAMN IT!

It’s obvious that you don’t like Twitter and that’s okay--- I don’t care for it too much either. I still fail to see what tweeting about what I ordered at Red Lobster has to do with my worth as a human being or my talent in my field, but I’m not the one releasing an album this year and if you want the attention of basic bitches and fickle stans you’re going to have to start tweeting a lot more and make it look something like this.

Tip #4 – Interact With Your Fans

One of the most unfair criticisms about you is that you don’t tweet because you don’t care about your fans. I’ve always assumed that you did care about your fans, which is why you never get on stage looking a hot, drunken, high, screeching, off-key, off-beat banshee fool, but of course the newer generation may not see things that way.  Imagine if you had to have major surgery and you were looking for the right doctor to perform it. Would you pick the doctor with the best experience and education or the doctor who had the most friends on Facebook? It seems silly to even ask, but the music industry is the only field on earth where cultivating a online persona is more important than your actual skill at your job --- but this is the life you chose and you will just have to deal.

Whether you know this or not, a simple tweet or retweet can mean a lot to stans, particularly those who don't have friends in real life and for this new album, you must give unconditional love and attention to fans whose  love of you depends on how high your singles are on the Swedish iTunes chart. Other artists have cultivated close faux-relationships with their fans, but you have the opportunity take it one step further:

Tip #5 – Market Your Misery

When I first heard about your miscarriages I was devastated. Not because of your loss, but because it was a prime opportunity for you to use your personal tragedy as a way to boost record sales and get sympathy. I could have seen you on the Oprah channel, with tears streaming and snot running, with millions of people watching and feeling sorry for you and then BOOM release the first single on iTunes a week or two later. The dead fetus ship has sailed, but there are other ways to get the public to feel sorry for you. You may or may not know this, but you are not a very sympathetic character. You have a perfect life, perfect relationship, perfect bank account, perfect looks, perfect talent, perfect everything and you need to start down playing your happiness in order to appease people who want celebrities to be as miserable as they are. I have a great idea on how to do this--- and you may not like it --- but I think it's time for you to learn what a good ass-whooping feels like. When you get home, just politely ask Jay to go in his closet, get his size 13 Timberland boot and beat the shit out of you.

Now, Jay doesn't have to be the abuser in this situation; we could easily go Mrs. Lionel Richie with this and have you whoop his ass in a Popeye's parking lot, but the bottom line is we need to make your relationship with Jay more dramatic and either situation is a win-win. If he beats your ass it will get you sympathy, if you whoop his ass it will make you look like a bad-ass. Which brings me to my next point:

Tip #6– Fake = Real, Real = Fake

Another of the most common criticisms about you is that your good-girl image is fake --- it's just an act for the public. I don’t think it’s an act, I just think it’s apart of your personality. I feel that even if you weren’t famous and were a teacher, a librarian or worked at T.G.I Fridays with Brandy, you’d still be classy; it’s just apart of who you are and how you were raised--- and it’s boring as hell. It’s time for you to be a badass. If you’re worried that being something that you’re not is fake, don’t worry; being a phony badass is considered more "real" than being naturally classy and being temporarily popular on the internet is more important than your self-respect, your privacy, your endorsement deals and whatever your daughter may think about you 10 years from now.

Tip #7 Get A Ratchet Set Of Friends

Even more boring than your 15 years of good behavior is the company that you keep. Michelle Obama? Gwyneth Paltrow?

Girl, boo!

Neither of them have criminal records, sex tapes, ratchet Instagram pages and I doubt either of them have ever busted the window out of anybody's Nissan Sentra, but that’s okay. I can coach them on how to be bad too:

You're probably in a studio somewhere trying to make sure that the music and the instrumentation and all the performances for your new album are flawless; well you can stop. Some of your "fans" are getting their lives from the most generic and basic music and performances, so you don't need talent or good music anymore --- just an Instagram app and a constant need for attention.

I can't wait to hear your new music and I wish you nothing but luck in all of your attention-whoring endeavors in 2013.


A Concerned Seasonal Stan